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Category Archives: Funny

Camping

Camping slideshow.

Before making the mistake of mentioning it in front of the kids, Dan and I discussed camping out in the pop-up (pup) and he was willing.  I didn’t have to cajole for once.  Amazing.

I wanted to try it out before we actually attempted camping in public.  Wanted to get a feel for what we can do to make it go smoothly the next time out.

So Dan moved the pup to the back field and we set it up.  I won’t lie, it was a pain in the butt trying to locate everything we needed.  Of course most of it was left to me:  pillows, sleeping bags, s’more fixins, bug spray, on and on.  No big deal except that Dan always bitches that I never sit down and relax with everyone.  Ha, as if I could.  It was getting dark.

Around dusk, the wind died down and we were able to use the portable fire pit that we bought back in 2007.  Never used it before then.  Figures.  I didn’t get to enjoy it, but I did have some s’mores.  I plan on using it a lot more once the weather gets warmer.

As you can tell from the slideshow, we weren’t exactly “roughing it”.  I had Dan bring the TV/DVD out and we watched The Great Outdoors.  We all fell asleep toward the end.  Then the cold set in.  Don’t know what we were thinking.  Ughh.  It was quite artic.

The girls were supposed to sleep on one end in there sleeping bags and I set our end up with our sleeping bags laid out, not separately zipped.  Well Miss Morgan decided to crawl in with us.  I was on the end toward the inside of the camper, Morgan on the end near the canvas and Dan in the middle.  I had about 7 inches of mattress and could only sleep on my side.  It was a very long night and I saw every hour tick by on the alarm clock.  I couldn’t sleep and I kept dreaming and waking up.  Ashley had the single bed all to herself.

Around 3:oo a.m. I remembered that the canvas was not attached to the bunk end on either end of the pup.  Morgan was sleeping with all of her body weight on the canvas.  Meaning that she could fall through, four feet to the ground, hitting the hitch on the way down.  The anxiety set in and I kept pulling her back toward Dan and I tried to tell him about the dilemma, but he was cranky, half-asleep and poo-pooing me and my concerns.

Somewhere after 4:00 a.m. the birds started in.  It was horrible.  Then the crows started in with their version of dueling bangos.  I was cold, my back and neck were killing me and I had had enough by 5:00 a.m.  My bladder and I decided to go back to the house and stay there.  After checking that Morgan was still fine, I went in and after taking care of business, I crawled into bed.  Didn’t think I would get warm ever again.

About five minutes after finally dowzing off, the doorbell rang.  Freaking Ashley went to the front of the house instead of the unlocked patio door.  Ughh.  Luckily she went right to sleep again with me.

Around 9:00 a.m.  I woke up and found Dan and Morgan in the living room.  Morgan couldn’t wait to spill the beans to me.  Yup, Morgan fell through the gap and was being held around the shoulders by her sleeping bag.  Dan said she was still sleeping like that, bare legs dangling outside, when he finally noticed that 70% of her was not present and accounted for.  He couldn’t even pull her up, he had to push her out and set her on the ground.  I guess she panicked at that point and freaked out.

That boy heard “I told you so”, for about 20 minutes straight. 

I have no idea why the stupid pup is designed like that.  Very dangerous.  The kids will not be sleeping in the inside spots ever again and we will be making modifications to prevent anything like that happening again.

Oh yeah, I also dreamt that there was a bear outside the pup.  I could vividly hear it growling and rummaging around.  Somehow I made it to the house and got a gun (I don’t even know how to load one) and tried to shoot it.  My one and only shot ricocheted off the television screen.  Dan finally had to take the gun and shoot it.  Crazy.

Needless to say, we won’t be attempting that again until it’s much warmer outside.  My poor old body can’t take it.

 
4 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2009 in Family, Funny, Kids, Photos

 

7:45 a.m.

Morgan and I were still sleeping.  Last day to sleep in.  Ashley was up and in the living room.

“Mommy someone’s here!!!!!” 

Ding Dong

Crap.  I was sleeping!!!!  No bra, horrible morning breath, bangs sticking up like in Something About Mary and possible eye gunk.

I peered through the blinds and saw an asian woman in pajamas and slippers on my porch.  It took a few seconds to register who it was – Carlton’s mother.

Carlton is a little boy who was in Morgan’s UPK class last year and is in the opposite kindergarten class this year.  He rides her bus.  I knew before she even asked – she thought there was school today 🙂  Poor woman, I wish.

So in broken english (she’s chinese), she explained that she didn’t know and why hadn’t the bus come.  The bus picks her son up 10 minutes earlier.  She was sorry to wake me up.  I told her not to worry about it because I’ve been in her shoes, sort of.  The cancelled day due to the bridge being closed.  I didn’t watch the news and Ashley stood in the driveway waiting for the bus for 15 minutes.  I hate being out of the loop.

I like to complain about spring break and how hard it has been with the kids alone, but if anyone needs school to start again it’s Carlton’s mother.  My kids are a handful, but oh my.  He’s something else.

I told her, “One more day ’til freedom.”  She smiled and nodded, but I don’t know if she understood my meaning 🙂

Yahoo!  One more day, one more day, one more day to suffer go.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 20, 2009 in Funny, Kids

 

A Movie & A Meltdown (or Two)

Like I haven’t bitched about spring break enough already. 

Because it was officially spring break, I emailed Dan awhile back to see if he wanted to do anything with the kids while they were on vacation.  I gave him three simple options – A, B or C.  All options within driving distance of home.  He never opened the email until after we collectively chose option B.  Option B was the easiest and cheapest (perfect for Dan) going to pburgh last Monday and watching Monsters vs. Aliens at the new theater.  By the way, it was good, especially for a kid movie.  The rest of the outing involved running errands and didn’t go well.  Not by a long shot.

This is the email response I received from Dan (after the fact):

“Jolene, 

I guess I’ll choose option B.  After the movie we can bring the kids to Wal-mart to do a little grocery shopping.  They should be good after bringing them to the movie first.  After shopping we can stop at Wendy’s for a little snack.  Ashley can get a plain burger and Morgan should do just fine with some nuggets without fries.  She’s not a big fan of fries is she?  After getting food the kids will act well for the rest of the way home.  Sounds good to me, lets make plans but don’t tell the kids.  It will be a surprise.”

Smartass.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2009 in Family, Funny, Kids, Parenting

 

Wordless Wednesday – Whoreific

 

I saw this boat at a local marina.  Judging by the name of choice, this guy must be:

1.  A perpetual bachelor;

2.  Desperate for attention;

3.  A colossal loser; and

4.  Still living with his mommy.

 
 

Wordless Wednesday – The Cherry Bandit

Remember the cherry photo from two weeks ago?  I thought I just had to worry about the birds.  They had competition this year.

 
 

Wordless Wednesday – The Bride Cuts The Cake

 My niece Nina at her wedding last year.

 

Wordless Wednesday – Friend or Foe?

  Jennifer and Jolene – 1986

Note the lovely hairstyle I’m sporting and the way I have my shirt tucked in.  So fabulous.  Jennifer’s glasses are sexy too.

See how she’s digging her nails into my arm?  That’s basically what she and I did – fight and torture one another.  I’m glad we stopped doing that.  She no longer has her defense mechanisms (glasses and braces).  I might be able to walk away without a scratch these days 🙂 

What do you say Jennifer, “Do you wanna die?” (Just kidding y’all, it’s an inside joke.)